Friday, February 10, 2012

Traffic school....redneck style.

So you know how I'm an expert on country music these days? Yeah, anyway. There are some easily observable trends in the subject matter of country songs. For example, sweet tea and beer are constantly being mentioned. But I also noticed that they set really bad examples for how to drive:

Luke Bryan - "I Don't Want This Night to End"
I'm set on cruise control
I'm slowly losing hold
Of every thing I got 
You're looking so damn hot
And I don't know what road we're on
Or where we've been
From staring at you, girl.

Ok, first, buddy, two hands on the wheel.  Don't lose hold of that.  Second of all, you don't know what road you're on because you aren't on a road anymore.  You're in a ditch or wrapped around a tree because you insisted on staring at homegirl instead of watching the road.  And on that note, I want to see this chickie who has captured your attention and stolen your safe-driving skills.  Is Sofia Vergara or someone in your truck with you?  I doubt it, Mr. Bryan.  Keep your eyes on the road, asshole
 I do want this song to end.
Rehab - "Bartender Song"
She broke my heart, in the trailer park
So I jacked the keys to her fuckin' car
Crashed that piece of shit and then stepped away

Is this legit country music?  I don't know.  But from the very beginning of the song, we know that the guy "broke his parole."  (That's bad, fyi.)  This doesn't need much explanation, actually.  I'll leave it at that.
Jason Aldean - "Dirt Road Anthem"
Yeah, I'm chillin' on a dirt road,
Laid back swervin' like I'm George Jones.
Smoke rollin' out the window,
An ice cold beer sittin' in the console.

Come on, J-Man.  This song is annoying as fuck to begin with, but I'd also like to point out that none of this is acceptable behavior when operating a vehicle.  I get that you're on a dirt road and all, but swerving like George Jones is not exactly desirable.  George Jones' alcoholism is pretty well-known.  And he wasn't even acting like a fun, jolly ol' drunk.  I'm not knocking the guy, but that's probably one aspect of his life that you shouldn't emulate.  Even if you were to claim that the "smoke" in question is coming from tobacco, you're still left with the beer in the console.  Ok, I'm no legal expert, but the law generally frowns upon drinking and driving.  Make sure this shit stays on the dirt road.  I don't want to die on the interstate because you think this is an appropriate way to drive.
 I mean, just look at the guy....

I guess I shouldn't complain too much. As long as I don't have to hear Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup" ever again, these guys can sing about whatever they like.
But bottom line? They probably shouldn't moonlight as driver's ed instructors (that being such a desirable job and all...)
Besides, we all know that rappers set much better examples in terms of motor-vehicle behavior:

I got them 28's on the Chevy sittin' so high,
Them plastic cups in the cup holders gettin' dry.
                              -Three 6 Mafia, "Swervin'"


1 comment:

  1. In their defense, it's not really cool to sing about road safety.

    "Climbin' in the car, just as calm you ever felt,
    Adjust the rear view mirror as I buckle up my belt.
    Keeping to the speed limit, cause that's what I'm about,
    I always use my blinker when I exit round-abouts."
    - Lame singer