Last week I fell down the bottom portion of the stairs in my house. Sober. For the second time. And I've only lived here about a month. I banged up my knee pretty badly, and an end table didn't look too good afterwards, either. The injury is located right next to the scar I've developed from move-in day at this apartment. I like to say I injured myself "while moving" because that implies that I was carrying heavy furniture and I somehow scraped up against something. That isn't actually the case. Two lovely friends of mine did all the heavy lifting, and I fell over my own two feet while walking back to the truck after doing pretty much nothing. I thought it was just a scrape until we were riding back to my old apartment for another load of household crap. Then I noticed my knee was pouring blood all over the vehicle. There were no napkins or anything like that around, so I held receipts and other ineffective forms of paper products onto my leg until we reached our destination. This is what happens when you hang out with me.
UPDATE: While typing this entry, I had to go answer the door and managed to run into the railing on the stairs. Or something...I couldn't figure out what I hit, actually. It will certainly leave a monstrous bruise on my leg, and I won't be able to wear shorts for a week.
(Note: I wrote this a couple months ago. I'm aware it's no longer "shorts season," and I've had countless self-induced accidental injuries since writing this.)
2. Texting:
I shouldn't be allowed to text, because the most inappropriate conversations are guaranteed to occur.
When you type "don't kick the baby" into Google, this is on the first page of image results. Am I missing something?
My texts are in bold:
"I think the Jets are becoming the team I dislike the most"
"Really? Dude. The Eagles and Steelers still exist, you know."
"The Eagles are up there too, but I had to watch a bunch of stuff on ESPN about the Jets and everyone involved made me want to punt babies."
"It is waaay more difficult to punt a baby than a football. Trust me. So don't just throw that phrase around unless you want your athleticism tested."
"Someone get me a baby."
"I've heard it takes 9 months to create a baby, plus someone willing to gain stretch marks, weight, and 18 years of financial responsibility. That's difficult to come by. Which is why the event of baby-punting only happens every 4 years."
"Is it Winter or Summer Olympics?"
"Summer, duh. No one likes a freezer-burned baby."
"But they get more distance. But maybe during the Winter they have baby curling."
"Curling is ridiculous enough without adding babies into the mix."
(By the way, spelling, grammar, and punctuation weren't edited in this conversation, but I did edit the capitalization of proper nouns to make it more readable. My friends and I actually *do* text with a semi-decent appreciation for the English language in mind. Crazy, right?!)
3. Using YouTube:
I got in a YouTube comment battle with someone whose username had like sixteen numbers in it. About a damn REHAB SONG, for god's sake. That says it all. I'm pathetic.
Someday I'll function like a real person. Until then....
XOXO,
Caroline.
