Texas hold 'em (mis)adventures

I don't like games in general. Monopoly? Boring. Flip cup? Just stupid. War? Kill me now. Beer pong? No way in hell. Now you're totally saying, "Wow, Hurricane Caroline must not like anything fun!" That's only slightly true. I'm in a long-term relationship with Trivial Pursuit, and PhotoHunt is the mad notes. But that's all.

My obvious hatred of games aside, I felt that poker was something I needed to know how to play. I will probably never "seriously" play poker (read: poker involving money), but I think it is a game everyone should have some knowledge of.

I recruited a friend to teach me the game. I will refer to him as GT, short for gin and tonic, which would make him quite unhappy. GT thinks that gin and Sprite is a classy beverage that is superior to the traditional gin and tonic. He is wrong, no? GT does, however, know how to play Texas hold 'em and properly slice a lime, so I think we'll continue to be friends.

With a bribe-bottle of Beefeater in tow, I headed to GT's house to expand my knowledge of betting games. Quickly memorizing winning hands? No problem. Statistics has always been my favorite subject, so I had no issue with predicting the probability of getting certain cards.

The trouble began when the actual game play started. There was no money (or clothing) at stake, so it should not have been so frustrating. I was truly convinced that all I needed to do was obtain a Royal Flush and kick ass. (I should mention that I am fully aware that the odds of getting a Royal Flush are something like one in 650,000.) The thing is, I have no idea how to bet. Do you fold? Do you bluff? I'm not a very good actress, so I ended up betting what GT called "penny chips" the entire time.
The game went on for what felt like an eternity. After slowly getting my ass kicked for approximately a million years, I decided to just commit suicide (or what would be considered in a casino to be as sinful as suicide) and go all in on a terrible hand, intentionally losing everything.

All of this being said, I like Texas hold 'em. I want to play more and get better.

I think my real motivation to learn poker is the fact that I'd like to become one of those "poker stereotypes." I'm sure you know what I'm referring to. You leave ESPN on after watching The Big Game and an hour later, you realize your TV is tuned into a poker tournament. There is always a varied and very movie-stereotype-like group of people in the game.
I'm having trouble deciding which stereotype I want to be:

• There's always "The Cowboy" (we're talking Texas hold 'em, after all), but I don't wear hats very well, so this probably won't work.
• "The Asian Business Man" is usually present at a poker tourny. I can't pull this off because I'm definitely not a business man. (Yes, that's the reason. It's not due to the fact that I completely lack Asian heritage.)
• "The Black Man" is already claimed. (GT would be upset if I ruined it for him.)
• "The Mafia Boss" likes to wear a well-tailored suit and tacky (yet expensive) jewelry and is usually quite corpulent. I don't feel like putting any sort of oil in my hair, becoming a man, and gaining a hundred pounds, so this is not an option,
• "The Vixen" is a tempting option, because I am a very vain individual and I feel good when I look better than those around me. However, she is usually (and inexplicably) wearing a floor-length dress. Said dress is often bedazzled. Being "The Vixen" might be too much of a throwback to prom for a wannabe fashionista like myself.
• "The Normal Guy" is somewhat disturbing, because he's so normal. He looks like your dad, your neighbor, or your roommate. He can be of any age or race, but he's just too normal, and it terrifies the other poker players.

(I forgot to mention "The Neck-Brace Man," but he's one-of-a-kind, anyway)

Perhaps I can create a new poker player stereotype. Maybe people will emulate me in the future. This might be my next goal in life. Thoughts?