Monday, July 18, 2011

The Motor City Madman and Jesus are the exceptions to every rule.

There is absolutely no reason that a man should have long hair.

I have a problem with middle-aged men who have children, careers, and, inexplicably, ponytails. Are you really that confused about your age, gender, and the current time period?

I did some Googling on this subject, and the always-entertaining Yahoo!Answers gave me some good reading material:

"I am a 65years old man with long hair when should i cut it? i have a ponytail?"
Well, sir, probably about 55 years ago. That's also when you should have learned proper capitalization and basic grammar. Additionally, are you unsure of whether or not you have a ponytail? I know the people who respond on Yahoo!Answers are generally brilliant, but I think only you can answer that part of your question.

"Ladies, does long hair on men do it for you? Just wandering, and would like a general opinion! please stae where your from too!" I'm just wandering, too! Just wandering if English is still taught in public schools! And don't worry, I'll "stae" where I'm from. Because I don't want to get anywhere near you, your long hair, and unnecessary exclamation marks.

"What do you think about long-haired men in church?" Ok, so I've been making the point that men with long hair look stupid. But if someone feels it's a hairstyle that shouldn't be allowed in church, that kind of bothers me even more. I'm not a church-going person, but from what I've seen, there's long-haired-Jesus crap all over those places. So JC can rock the look, but his worshippers have to get a crew-cut? I guess this will be reason #563 on my list of "why church confuses the fuck out of me."

Buddy Christ can have long hair. You can't.

I'm going to make a simple questionnaire to help anyone who is confused about this topic:
  • Are you Jesus?

  • Are you a woman?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you're allowed to rock the long hair. Otherwise, you need to plug in the Flowbee and cut that shit.

A nice, good-lookin' man with GREAT hair.

I've got two final exceptions to the no-long-hair rule:

  1. Willie Nelson. I can't explain it, but for some reason he's allowed to have pigtails. Deal with it, fuckers.

  2. Ted Nugent. Ok, I get that people have mixed feelings about this guy, mostly because of his political views and whatnot, but that is not the point here. Bottom line: The Nuge has put in more years of badassery than you and I combinded. At 62, he's totally earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants with his hair. If you tell him otherwise, he'll probably just shoot you. Also, Anthony Bourdain is cool with him, so I am too.
So, go on and make an appointment with your celebrity hair stylist, y'all.

XOXO, Caroline.

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